Because of all of this I wanted to be really excited about this study. The problem is that lately I haven't been feeling very loving at all, mostly I have been feeling really tired, and...angry. This is strange for me. Anger is an emotion that is fairly foreign to me. I typically default to sad when most people would get angry. But lately I have had this undercurrent of frustration and anger, and I have no idea why. Is it because I am tired (which is also not my norm), that I feel frustrated? Maybe... But I think it may have more to do with my other default emotion, which is guilt.
I feel some amount of guilt almost all the time. I am always aware of "the other things" I should, or could, be doing. If I am at the beach with my kids, some part of my mind is thinking about the Community Garden at church that needs to be weeded. If I am working on the schedule for Sunday School I am thinking about how I haven't had Reading Club with my children in several days. If I am reading a really good book I am thinking about the professional reading I haven't gotten to yet. If I am at the store shopping for groceries to feed my family I am hurrying to get home because I feel bad that I am not with my family.
I realize that admitting all of this makes me seem like a total lunatic, and apparently that lunacy is catching up with me, because I am having a hard time enjoying anything. Even the social times, which normally keep my craziness at bay, because I just love people so much, haven't been filling me up the way they usually do.
And here is where the study on love comes back into play, because do you know what my Amazing Father God has whispered to me as I have been reading and thinking about love? He told me to remember that this is how He loves me! His love for me is patient, and kind, and all the rest. And as I heard that whisper from Him, I felt Him urging me to just rest and allow Him to love me. He doesn't want me to live in this place of self condemnation, guilt and frustration. The reason He doesn't want that for me is because He loves me!! His love for me is patient- even when my craziness is consuming my joy. His love for me is kind, and He wants me to live in that Love.
So, I am going to release the feeling of guilt that tries to rise to the surface and distract me from my Father's love, and take this opportunity to learn about all the facets of His perfect love for me. I am going to claim His love for me.
